It is what it is, over.

I opened the envelope to find two pieces of paper.  The first one was my Decree Absolute of Divorce and as it turned out, on receiving this document I found that I had already been single for five days.  The second was a letter from my legal adviser that stated several things: 1. Your marriage has now legally ended. 2. You are free to re-marry if you wish and the rest were business points.  Nowhere in the envelope was there advice on what to do now, how a person might expect to feel or how to make sure this never, ever happens again!  You'd think there would be some kind of advice booklet in it wouldn't you?  It could contain suggestions such as; here's a list of possible people that you can choose from to now be your next of kin. Or something like, based on extensive research, best advice is to not remarry for at least 2, 5 or 10 years!  But no, nothing like that; just the facts. 

So, how do I feel?  I actually don't know.  I'm not feeling very much of anything.  I had anticipated relief, happiness or sadness even.  Many times over the past year, I've been frustrated at the delays in the divorce process but now looking back; I'm grateful that it took a year.  This year allowed me to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions.  All of which brought me to the point at which  I now find myself; ready to just accept that it is what it is, over. 

My day to day life will continue much as it has done and I can throw myself into concentrating on my family, my teaching career and will hopefully find a little space in there for some 'me time.' I understand that divorce is bigger than just me and acknowledge that others are deeply hurt by it and I hope and pray that time eases their pain. 

I will just figure life out as I go; one day at a time.  I will turn my life over to the care of God and trust that He has good things in store for me and my children. 

Last Winter's Affair

Not too bad at a glance hey?

As much as I didn’t think it would, a lone tear eased its way out of the corner of my eye and rolled down my cheek as I drove home from the solicitor’s office on Friday afternoon.  I had just come from signing all the final paperwork relating to my divorce from my husband of twenty years.  I had been working on this for a year and thought I’d feel only relief that the end was in sight.  Instead, I felt myself feeling sad and reflective.  How could this be happening?  I could never understand why people divorced after so many years.  Surely if you’d ‘put up with each other’ for that long, you’d be over the worse and carry on.  Now, I realise that life isn’t as simple or clear cut as I once thought.

Where had things gone wrong?  Could I go back and pinpoint the exact point at which my marriage had started to unravel?  A picture came into my head of a beautiful blanket being carefully and intricately knit together on a pair of needles. (Who says my brief and therapeutic, last winter’s affair with knitting had no value?) Just like my knitting, my marriage had ‘dropped stitches’ which led to unsightly holes which over time became unravelled.  (And I wondered why my teen chose not to wear the scarf I toiled over!) With close examination and effort on both sides, it is possible to backtrack, find these mistakes and work together to repair the damage.  The working through issues together can make for a tighter weave and strengthen the entire unit. 

Now what are these dropped stitches that have led to the failure of my marriage?  Some but not all of the issues that wheedle their way into relationships all over the world.  I’ve read quite a few articles on why marriages fail and there is a common list of ten issues.  These include: 1. Financial problems, 2. Communication problems, 3. Family problems, 4. Sex problems, 5. Friend problems,

6.  Addiction problems, 7. Abuse problems, 8. Personality problems, 9. Expectation problems and 10. Time problems.  For more details, follow the link.  

 http://www.divorce.com/article/top-10-reasons-marriages-fail

When I examined my own situation and please accept that this is totally ‘my view from my side of the fence’, I realised that there were problems in at least five of the listed areas.  (And no, I'm not telling you which 5!) When I first separated from my husband a year and a half ago, did I believe that we would be able to work through our issues, resolve them and get back together?  Absolutely!  Did it work out that way?  Clearly, no.  Dropped stitches can’t be repaired if both parties don’t work together to examine, pick up and fix the holes.  One enthusiastic stick cannot do the work for two. 

Do I hear the words, ‘Til death us do part’ ringing in my ears?   I do. (No pun intended!) However, after a lot of tears, agonising, analysing, reading, therapy, wise counsel and prayer, I chose to file for divorce. It was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make but I am at peace with my decision and am thankful that I believe in a very gracious God who understands and loves the very workings of my heart and soul. 

My dear friends, can I implore you to examine your own relationships?  If there are little holes, resolve to work together to pick up those stitches and work through the problems.  If your partnership is more reminiscent of a string vest or threadbare blanket, providing you are both willing to fight for the relationship; I believe God will honour that and allow for healing and enrichment. 

What about me now? Well, as winter approaches, I have decided that I will probably not return to my ‘loose and holey’ knit ware obsession of last year but am open to suggestions for new hobbies!