8 Lessons Learned in a Year (Ok, probably a few years!)

It's been a year today since my divorce came through and my marriage of 20 years legally ended. I decided to reflect a little and see what I have learned during this past year. Here are a few of my thoughts.  I have many so will spare you the abstract, random ones which still occasionally make it into my status updates on facebook.

1. Life goes on. Regardless of what life throws at us; heartache, tragedy, challenges, despite it all life truly does go on and for this I am grateful. It is a privilege to be given each new day on which to leave my  footprints.

2. Some days are harder than others.  There's often no rhyme or reason to it. There are easy days and others  that are pretty tough and overwhelming. It's not that I want back what I had, but more a realisation that I am sad about a future that will not be as I had once envisioned it. These kind of days are usually triggered unexpectedly when an old song comes on the radio or I see something that reminds me of a happy time in my life. So, I take these kind of moments or days and then let them go.

3. Single parenting is a huge responsibility. I'm not just talking about the work load which accompanies the upkeep of four children (Which is enormous!) but the deep seated sense of responsibility I feel for their well being and development. The children have had very limited contact with their father during this past year and so the bulk of parenting has fallen on my shoulders. I do take pride in their successes but also feel the weight of their failings and struggles. And let me tell you, there are ongoing challenges which affect my children daily as a result of all that we've been through  but together we will get through them;  even if we need a lot of support from family, friends, teachers, counsellors and other agencies.

4. Being alone does not mean being lonely. There is a fear when separating from a long term partner that the overwhelming sense of loneliness will be too much to bear. I've found that it's easier to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel all alone. The sassy chick, Kelly Clarkson, got it right in her lyrics when she said, 'The bed feels warmer now that you're not here.' In my case, this may also have to do with the fact that my little 4 year old still insists on snuggling up to me most mornings. :)

5. Taking time to get acquainted with oneself is valuable. Having been in a relationship for twenty plus years, I found that I'd lost part of my identity. Our lives had become so  intertwined that I wasn't sure what my own thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes and ideas were. I have enjoyed getting to know myself again and am liking the person that I am becoming. (most days) I am also becoming aware of my own short comings and take my own inventory regularly so that I know what I need to work on.

6.  Another person is not needed to make one complete. I am finding that with the help of my Higher Power, I can become a complete person, independent of another human being. I am on a personal journey of completing myself and I assume that this will continue for the rest of my life. This doesn't mean that I don't want to find someone special to share my completeness with but how wonderful would it be if two people who are happy in their own completeness come together without the expectation of needing another to 'make up' what they are missing.

7. Making time for laughter is imperative. Being able to find the funny in life truly is a balm that can ease the hardship of life. I am abundantly grateful for the many friends who keep me laughing despite the challenges of the last few years. So too am I thankful to God that whilst He chose not to gift me with navigational skills, He bestowed on me the priceless gift of a sense of humour. Perhaps He knew that without it, I would be truly lost.

8. Life is a delicate balance of holding on and letting go. The tricky part is knowing which things to hold on to and which to relinquish. Hold on to the good and let go of the bad is the simplest way I can put it. Very few things in life are all good or all bad so it is a case of sifting through the memories, extracting the happy ones and sharing them with my children when appropriate. Letting go is a lot easier said than done and I'm finding that unless issues are dealt with, then it is impossible to let them go. Dealing with issues will not be painless but more of a journey that can transport us to a place where we can let go of hurt, disappointment, sadness, anger and guilt. (For more information on Letting Go, read my previous post on this topic.

These are just a few of the important points that I've come to learn and appreciate this past year. In sharing them with you, I hope that those who need it will be encouraged.  We are all a lot more alike than we care to admit at times. In our own little bubbles, we can feel isolated and helpless but together we can support each other and be assured that we are not alone in our struggles. Life will continue to happen and we can learn to enjoy its twists and turns side by side.

Highlights vs Behind the Scenes

Some days feel more 'single parenty' than others and today was one such day. In fact, I suppose I've been feeling it a lot lately. I love my children dearly but with circumstances the way they are right now, I have them 24/7 and it feels like such hard work. Those annoying quotes you see about 'enjoying the journey' were clearly not written by single mothers who have just returned from a 1300 mile journey with four kids and are then attempting to get them ready and piled up into the car for a short trip out for the day.

How we can all be up and ready to leave the house by 8am on a school day is beyond me when today, while still on summer holidays, we struggled to leave the house by 11am. We'd promised to meet the kids' Grandma for a day out and had some loose plans in place.

We picked Grandma up or rather, Grandma sat in the back, where trouble was already brewing, in order to separate the kids who were already starting on their car trip shenanigans. So we set off, one child in the front next to me, another restrained in her car seat next to Grandma and a third way in the back out of harm's (and siblings) reach.

Now, time and time again, the kids and I have talked about compromise but for the most part I find it's usually me doing the compromising and  we go and do where and what they want. Today, I decided that on our way to where they could have fun; we would stop off at a shopping outlet village for just half an hour of shopping. Surely they could manage that? Ah, no. Within ten minutes, I'd got three kids playing tag in and out of the hanging rails; which very rapidly turned into a free for all, resulting in them banging in to each other. This of course always then ends with  'he hit me', 'she whacked me', but 'he started it'. So, I separated the two boys, telling them to wait in opposite ends of the courtyard while I just popped into a shop, clasping my four year old's hand firmly in mine. She wasn't best pleased as she thought the boys would be having fun without her so then piped up with the whole, 'You're hurting my hand Mummy,' muttered in just a loud enough, whimpering voice for passing shoppers to look at her sympathetically and at me with a frown!

I bent down to her level and spoke in a calm, assertive voice, aka super nanny, 'Mummy is just going to have a look for ten more minutes and then we can go to Mc Donald's to get something for lunch before going on to the park.' Drat! My super nanny tactics didn't seem to work on this child! Finding that her whimpering was getting her nowhere, she started wrenching about, half-shouting, half-crying, 'I want to go home.' At this point, I looked at her calmly, taking in the stares of the well-to-do, matronly shoppers tutting in our direction and will admit to saying, 'Just you wait until I take you home to your mother! What will she say about your behaviour?'

It was at this point that I abandoned the shopping trip, frog marched the children back to the car, with Grandma in tow and informed them that they would not be going to McDonald's after all and we would be going to the supermarket instead to choose a sensible sandwich to eat for our picnic lunch. So, another fifteen minutes later, 'healthier and more sensible' lunches picked out, and only having lost sight of my little girl once; having found her hiding behind a large stack of toilet rolls, we got back in the car and headed to the park, found a bench and sat in a row, quite happily eating our lunch.

After our relatively calm, ten minute reprieve, the kids were off again. The boys returned with an expectant, excited look on their face,'There are row boats we can hire. Can we go in one please Mum?' So, having left Grandma to look after our bags and wandering pre-schooler, as well as having traipsed back across the park to an indoor play centre to change a 20 pound note into change because the 'boat man' only accepted the exact change, the boys and I 'floatation deviced' up and stepped into the boat. As I looked around, what did I see? All the other boats down stream were filled with Dad's taking their children out. I gave myself a mental pep talk, 'Buck up Debs, you can do this.'

I haven't laughed so much in a long time as I did this afternoon. Never mind that an hour or so earlier, I had wanted to throttle the kids. Never mind that we rowed into the tree branches at the side of the river several times. So what if I was the only Mum out there today? It didn't matter a jot. All three of us laughed our socks off and made a wonderful memory.

If you look at the photos, you can see what fun we had. If you hadn't read this post, you would never have known the details behind our family day out. It's easy to make judgements based on our impressions of what we see but remember, for the most part, we are only seeing other peoples' highlight reels of their lives. We all have 'behind the scenes' reels which are not so pretty, fun, exciting or inspirational. In fact, some of those reels show that we are fragile, tired, 'hanging on by a thread' people.

I am very blessed to have a special network of friends and family who are here for me, that I can call on. Despite that, I have days when I really struggle and think, 'Woe is me, this single parenting thing is so hard. I want a break. It's bloomin' hard work!'  So, if you only see my 'highlights' and think I've got it easy or altogether, I so don't but I am just doing the best I can and I ask God daily to help me. That's enough.