Just over two years ago, my whole world turned upside down
when I finally woke up and didn’t like what I saw. My life had become a tangled
mess; filled with lies, deceit, cover up and was a constant raging war to
change an alcoholic. I am a determined woman and was used to rising to a
challenge but I eventually came to realize that a battle with alcoholism was
one that I was never going to win. I finally gave up because I knew that I had
tried everything within my power to cajole, support, threaten, monitor,
mollycoddle and control the monster illness that is alcoholism but with zero
success. Each time that I thought I had
hunted down every last bottle of alcohol, another one appeared. I found them in every conceivable place;
closets, clothes, laundry baskets and plant bushes in the garden. I had developed my hearing to such a degree
that I could hear a beer cap being removed at half a mile. (And the kids wonder
why I can hear them opening the cookie jar from the next room!) I poured copious amounts of alcohol down the drain. I tried everything I could possibly think of to make a difference. Nothing I did
seemed to work.
Alcoholism is a
momentous force to be reckoned with and can only be stopped if the person
decides that they want to stop and then takes steps to make that happen. I had been promised a million times that
things would change, a new leaf would be turned and an improved man would rise
to the surface. I couldn’t afford to wait to find out if that would ever happen
because I was in serious danger of losing my own mind. I had become a co-dependent and my whole life
was governed by the behaviour of an addict. I would say that I’d done a pretty
good job of covering for him as most of our friends and family were surprised
when all came to light. However, at what expense had this cover up been
achieved? I was exhausted with the weight of it all. I’d like to be able to
tell you that I came to a rational, informed and calm decision to walk away but
it didn’t happen like that.
One Friday night, I finally snapped. After irrational,
aggressive, abusive and alcohol-fuelled behaviour, I said, “No more.” I was ‘sick and tired’ of being ‘sick and
tired.’ I’d reached the end of the line
with my alcoholic. I would not allow this putrid and toxic illness to destroy my
whole family. I called 'time' on being in the same home with this man who I didn't even recognise anymore. I could not change the alcoholic but by God, I could change things for myself and my four precious children.
And so I did. Come Monday morning, I swallowed my pride and took
myself off down to the welfare office to register for benefits, I met with the
bank manager and asked for a break in my mortgage payments until I could get
back on track, I registered my children for free school meals, I contacted all
the credit card companies and dealt with each of them, one by one and then I
collapsed and cried a river full of tears.
Naively, I suppose I still held out hope that my alcoholic
would change. Surely the separation would do the trick, no. Surely the threat
of divorce and then the actual divorce would be the catalyst needed to change
things, no. What about everyone knowing about his illness? No. Stopping contact
with the children would surely be the final straw that made the difference, no.
Absolutely nothing outside of the alcoholic can change them; only an internal
desire and decision to stop drinking on their part will bring about change.
So, where are we now, just over two years on from that pivotal
Friday night? My alcoholic and I are divorced. I am no longer reliant on
welfare to feed and clothe my children. I am making mortgage payments again.
There is no longer credit companies involved. I have returned to work and am
teaching again. I’ve learned who my friends are and know exactly who is there
for me when it really counts. I’m learning to implement a 12-step program in my
life which enables me to live a life of serenity. (Ok...not all the time but I’m
more serene than I used to be! J
) Occasionally, I still cry but there are droplets not rivers of tears. I have
felt like never before that God is real and near to me.
Now what of my four
children? The older ones have had to grow up before their time. They saw a
devoted, loving father turn into a stranger. They know that alcoholism is a
family illness and that its damage can cause cracks that tear families apart. They
sometimes keep their thoughts and emotions bottled up, but other times they let
them out and we have kicked doors, shouting, swearing, blaming and tears. They
are learning that it’s possible to love the alcoholic but hate the illness. We
are all learning to leave the alcoholic to God and never give up hope that he
will find sobriety.
Why am I sharing all this with you? I share this for one
reason only and that is to give those who need it hope. No situation is so bad
that it cannot be changed. If you are worried about a drinking problem, be it
in yourself or a loved one, seek help sooner rather than later. If you love
someone with a drink problem, it is possible to find serenity whether they are
drinking or not. I don’t promise you that it will be easy but it is possible.
You may have to walk away for your own safety and sanity. If I can do it, then
so can you. I pray you have the courage
to change.
