When?

As I think about my future, there are many things that I worry wonder about.  I do try not to worry about things that are outside my control but it doesn’t stop me from wondering about them.  I do understand the whole ‘worrying doesn’t change anything’ concept but it’s strange how late at night, the mind wanders and travels down some of these more melancholy avenues.  To anyone that’s ever lost a partner, no matter the reason, you’ll understand. 

How long will it take for the mark where my wedding band once lay, to disappear? When will I be able to venture to the ‘other side of the bed’? Maybe I should try the middle first?   When will I be able to hear a Barry White song on the radio and not expect to see someone singing into a wooden spoon and dancing round the kitchen?  Will I ever be able to see an old couple walking hand in hand and not feel tears welling in my eyes because I don’t have someone to grow old with?  When will it feel normal for me to sign a greeting card with mine and the children’s names alone? Will I ever feel comfortable going into a cafe and asking for a table for one?  When will the scent, of my son’s deodorant, no longer remind me of his Dad? How many more phone calls will there be where I have to explain, “He doesn’t live here anymore.”

  Why do I still have a ‘man drawer’ when there isn’t a man in the house?   When will I be used to sitting in a pew at church and not having someone’s arm resting along the back of the seat behind me?  When will I be able to see a quote about ‘moving on and letting go’ and feel that it no longer applies directly to me?  When will I be able to watch a romantic movie without wanting to shout at the characters, “Don’t you believe it.  Your love story might not last forever!”  When will I not need to hesitate when filling in a form on the first line when it asks for title; Mrs, Miss, Ms? When will I get used to being the one  who puts the trash out, locks the doors and turns off the lights? Will I ever have someone to snuggle with again under the duvet on a Saturday morning in hope that the kids won’t interrupt us?   Will I ever find someone to share new ‘in house’ jokes with?  Will I find someone to take me to parties or drive me home when I’m dog tired? Will I get to the point where I want to find someone to share the TV remote with?  Will I find the courage and strength to start all over again?

As you can imagine, this list is endless. I’m very happy that I do not suffer from insomnia and I usually drift off to sleep before I have got very far down my list of points to ponder.  I am also incredibly thankful that I believe in God and I’m grateful that I can leave all these things in His care.