Beefy Blokes and Lord of the Dance

These 10 things I have found to be true on returning to teaching after my career break

1.       It doesn’t matter the school you are at or what day of the week it is, the supply (substitute) teacher is always asked to do playground (recess) duty.

2.       At some point in the week, usually Friday, there will be a gold book assembly and you will be required to stand in front of the whole school and read out the names of children receiving certificates; at least three of these names will be nigh on impossible to pronounce.

3.       After many months of good health, you will pick up every sniffle and tummy bug going; head lice may also make an appearance.

4.       Following your first couple of days  or perhaps even after the first 24 hours back in the world of work, your own child will become seriously ill; requiring a midnight, emergency trip to see a physician.

5.       There will be adverse weather conditions on the days you are sent to remote, cross country schools.  All of which may result in you not only being late for morning registration duties but also having to be given a push out of snowdrifts by passing, beefy, kind hearted blokes.

6.       On days when you are completely ready, smartly dressed, hair and make-up done, children at the point of being ready to leave the house within a 15 minute time frame and waiting for the agency to call with your morning assignment, no call will come. Reversely, when you’ve decided that a day at home would be welcome, chuck on a pair of jeans and scoop hair into a pony tail, the call will surely come and you will be asked to go to a school in need of supply cover.

7.       All estimated journey times, nonchalantly mentioned by the agency, must immediately be doubled. They clearly base their calculations on travelling to places during the dead of night when traffic is practically nonexistent.

8.       At some point in your first week or two, there will be an outing to the local church/museum/woods. The children will walk, hand in hand, with their buddy and you will be required to bring up the rear and round up the stragglers who are on a mission to make  the most elongated crocodile line in history.

9.       A school that is referred to as a ‘lovely school’ translates to mean, a couple of members of staff are relatively normal and do the best they can but the children, after lulling you into a false sense of security for the first hour, will then transform into little devils for the rest of the day; causing  you to reconsider your career choice.  (Note to self: keep a list of such schools.)

10.   Sooner or later, there will be singing and the sound of two to three hundred children sweetly singing, ‘Lord of the Dance’, (We still ‘do’ God in our schools in the UK for those who are wondering.) will give you a warm, fuzzy feeling deep in your soul and you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are in the right place and what a wonderful thing it is to have the honour and privilege of teaching children once again.